HOW CAN ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE BE SO . . . . . YOU KNOW!
All 3,000 of them are here now. The West Yellowstone Ski Festival is in full swing and the town is cluttered with entitled “spandex swishers.” They sashay down the middle of the road with a walk that says “look at me – I ski!”
There is much to say about the hoard; not much good. And as mom said . . . . so I won’t. The Rendezvous Ski Trails are just O.K. because of the warm days. The Swix guys are really getting a workout.
However it must be noted that there are some real professionals and some real athletes that are courteous, friendly, and unobtrusive. The Swiss, the Italians, the U.S. Army, The Army & National Guard Biathlon Team, the neighbors from Pocatello, and most of the factory teams and almost all of the vendors.
So far the best looking Subaru award belongs to the waxers, (no not that kind!)
Here’s The BSF Nordic Training Day
One of the few teams that knows what a shower is!
West Yellowstone Camp Schedule:
– 7:00: Wake-up
– 7:15:Running and stretching
– 7:30-8:00: Breakfast
– 8:00-8:45: Ski waxing
– 9:00-11:30: (12:00 p.m.) Morning training
– Shower-mandatory, before lunch
– 12:00-1:00: Lunch
– 1:30-3:00: Resting
– 3:00-3:15: Ski waxing
– 3:30-5:00: Afternoon training
– Shower-mandatory, before dinner
– 6:00-7:00: Dinner
– 7:00-7:30: Watching training videos
– 7:30–9:00: Free time
– 9:00: In rooms
– 10:00: Lights out
Tomorrow will bring the kind of Thanksgiving feast that only the high country can produce. Stay tuned for a report on the repast. (Hint: keep your smoked trout wrapped in newspaper in the freezer – it’ll keep forever!)
The skier’s dictionary
Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?”
Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.
Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury.
Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident.
Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.
Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.
Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.
Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans.
Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins.
Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.
Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.
Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?”
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed.
Tree: The other method.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. Throw away a hundred dollar bill – now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing.